|Substance| - "Fork" [5/11]

This was the apex of my tumult and it was my lowest moment.

Yet this is what helped me get out of the hole I was in.

“Fork”

Trapped

Isolated in purgatory as I get caught up in my owns tory

Dilatory in action because complacency has set in

Where to begin, deconstructing definitions, horrifying renditions of

The future

The uncertain, unmarked terrain

As my brain flares, doubting every decision

As I long for an incision to make it all end

I realize the pain will never go away

“Choose how you suffer” they say as I vacillate between paths

Striving for guidance and writhing for purpose

But I’m assuming all of you heard this

The certainty but uncertainty wrapped in one bundle

As oversized children stumble into the abyss

The abyss where inhabitants are remiss and dismiss their true call

Yet it isn’t their fault they cannot revolt

Revolt leads to loss

Loss of capital, of faith, of hope

All one can do is conform

And therefore perform day in, day out

But isn’t that what everyone does?

So why complain when the problem is rampant

Can’t you see we’re on a sinking ship?

A falling plane, as day to day passion beckons our name

This is the type of poem that doesn’t have an answer

A conclusion to put your minds at rest

All that can be said is to do what you think is best

And hope that it guides you to being laid to rest

|Substance| - "Transient Opaqueness" [4/11]

I thought that breaking down my life to bare essentials would solve my problems but it merely exacerbated them.

Yet this phase was a learning process and it had just begun.

“Transient Opaqueness”

Ice shards falling

While I am sprawling out on the ground

The rough fluff submerges me into submission

On a mission to fade away slowly

My energy is lowly and veins contract

Eyes go black only to be awoken later

Later comes when the stress succumbs to the recesses of my psyche

And people actually like me instead of tolerating insolence

But insolent I am not

Sympathetic to the rot that permeates those around me

Seeking for meaning

Shrieking for leaving those who I loved behind

But the love I felt was artificial at best

Superficially resonating from my chest

The chest that holds a beating heart

The chest that takes a beating til dark

The chest that holds fleeting remarks a little too long

The plights of self-consciousness plagues my mantra

As I vacillate between two diverging paths

The path of carefree glee and a blindness of what’s to see

Or a path ingrained with struggle with rubble to sift through

And not one to guide you

This jagged trail is the one I choose

The unmarked, unwanted road is the one I goad to work for me

On a quest to find glee

With the power vested in me

I shall find clarity

|Substance| - "Definition" [3/11]

I didn’t realize it at that point but this was pretext to my isolation. I lost one of my dear friends and the only person I could talk to was myself

Self-involved poetry is by far my least favorite to write but it varies on the scope of the subject.

“Definition”

From dusk til dawn

It seems like nothing is wrong

But the errs on Earth are a song

Sounded daily like a reverberating gong

My so called “friends” perpetuating a lifestyle

That doesn’t make me smile

They revile while I go through the trials

And wait for me to return to my old ways

But my old ways were me stuck in a haze

As my eyes glazed over and the days got shorter

And I long for more substance

But not the substance of lethargy

Can’t you see past the daily regiment?

Of lighting up then coming down

Only to frown when there’s no more to go around

When the sound of the guy ringing brings you glee

I hate not being me, but me isn’t what you think, it’s who I am

As I fade into obscurity for not being “me”

And genuine moments are a rarity when I’m your “me”

I’m just begging to know who to be and I seek clarity

Before succumbing to vanity

For existing in the realm of nonconformity

Well I’m tired of conforming

Sick of performing

You don’t define me, I define me

Now that I’m free

I can see through the opaqueness that once was

Not chasing a buzz

To finally find out who I once was

|Substance| - "Wavelength" [2/11]

Even though I was doing the right thing for myself, others saw it differently.

This discusses the conflicts of wanting to be a better person but realizing some things had to go if I wanted to stay true to myself.

“Wavelength”

What a rarity it is to find clarity

My mind is a charity with rich donors

Who could care less about loners?

And only care about when the phone rings

It stings to see others revile

When they have no idea what’s behind my smile

The face I front and the explanation so blunt

“I’ve had enough.”

Times are tough when cuffs are broken

No words are spoken to the open book that I am

No one likes a blank cover

Yet they hover until I become ajar

But the time to be ajar is oh so far

960 hours none of them yours

So if need be, do your chores and check back when I’m ready

Deflect back when I’m steady

On this wavelength with new strength

To see the plainest moments in a new light

Not illuminated by lighters and flickering lighters

While relationships with friends old and new grow tighter

Am I mightier than thou for choosing this path?

No, not now but maybe in the future

When the dependents become moochers

The light switch flipped on

To analyze, what the hell was going on?

Wasted nights, getting faced without a care in sight

Only to feel the plight years later

And to ask oneself, where did the time go?

|Substance| - "Torn" [1/11]

As I embarked onto my second year of school I decided to write more as a form of expressing my emotions rather than writing about the world around me.

This piece is a fusion of those two worlds as I decided to abstain from substances and logged the reactions.

The themes strewn through this poem predicate the poems I would write in the future.

"Torn"

I find myself in an unfamiliar yet familiar room

Coughs reverberate through the air

As I examine my hazy surroundings

They say the feeling of getting high is resounding

But I have never felt more grounded

There my body lays on a dinky couch

With complete strangers all “connected” through…

What? What are we all doing in this room?

This doom and gloom is approaching at lightspeed

As bowls are packed and motivation is sacked

I love it, but I hate it

The comradery but the rotting me

The psychoanalytic thought but the burning pot

I want to break free but breaking free means

No one will see me

A person trying to scratch out of the smoky void

A person trying to avoid the future that presents itself constantly

Honestly, why do we do it? Is it the “getting lit” or the eternal sit

On that dinky couch that leads nowhere

I need air, not full of THC but filled with likeminded refugees of trees

To be released from the pangs of loneliness and to embraced by genuine friends

When will this pain end?

It ends with the lowering of a casket

So why even bother not smoking gas and getting lit?

Because I hate this fuzz and fuck these nugs

Man oh man, I hate drugs

|Substance|

Here's a graphic displaying all the pieces for my upcoming Fall project.

I'll be posting these biweekly at first and then weekly towards the end of November

Foray Into Performance [3/3]

This was one of the last poems I wrote my first year of college. This one was different from the others because I decided to write about myself. I normally don't like doing pieces like this because it makes me feel egotistical but this one had a message to make up for it.

Journey

Self

This four letter word

So absurd that it defines me

And nothing more

At my very core this is who I am

A string of talents, numbers, and idiosyncratic tendencies

Is what everyone sees

But is it really me?

The moments that I feel

Are the outtakes to the highlight reel

Like the roots beneath the umbrage of trees

Under the glare of others I want to be released

From the judging

From the begrudging

From the people who look down on me

And hate to see my smile regardless of the miles

On this journey

I’m not done

It has just begun

I’m young and stupid

Cupid has struck

And I’m in love with hating myself

I’ll never be top shelf with my

Short body, long hair, bad jokes that get me nowhere

Dark skin, high voice

Never makes people rejoice

Curse my DNA

I wish there was a choice

But wait,

We do have a choice

The choice is yours to make yourself worthy

Trust me you’re not dirty and unwanted

You’re beautiful and exalted

So don’t be shoved by the forces of doubt

Don’t pout when things don’t work out

Smile and be happy that you’re moving

On the road of life paved with strife

Rejoice for the life you’ve been given

And be driven to be the best you can be

Foray Into Performance [2/3]

As I performed more throughout college I wanted to write on a wide array of topics. I would normally write about my life and others around me but I was never able to show any of them to my mother.

This is one of them.

Mother

You smother me with love

But all I did was shove

Another attempt to mend our broken bond

Don't you get it that I'm not fond

Of you

Our relationship is like glue

It binds us from two

But wears out when we're stuck for too

Long

You and I don't get along

But don't you see? When I'm alone I hear a song

A soothing tone that goes to my bones

I'm erratic because I've just had it

Because you never leave me alone

In my time of singularity

I've found clarity

As to why my love for you is a rarity

And it's because I'm tired of you being a charity

Case

I've found my place

In the world in this vast space

The space where it's a race to see who can save their own face

From all the wrong doings they've done and try to efface what happened

Truth is the past never goes away

Until the day you lay

To rest but momma you're the best

I don't wanna see you go

But I love to watch you leave

I just needed a reprieve

So grieve!

At the death of what once was

Have my voice in your head like a buzz

And my good memories of you are starting to fuzz

Trying to remember what was

Our love

That I shoved away

But I don't want to see the day

Where I can shoot you a text that says "hey"

And you don't reply

Thus denying my attempt for a hem

In our relationship that used to be a gem

In the rough

Because childhood was tough

And you were always there

Tousling my hair

Cooling me off with your cool air

Of a motherly gale

Reading me a night time tale

So mother, don't fret when I block your smother

Because you are like no other

I just need time to forgive what you've done

And move on and make you proud that I'm your son.

Foray Into Performance [1/3]

Once at college, I decided to join an organization focused around performing arts in order to stay immersed in the craft. In addition to new clubs and friends there were also new girls.

In this poem I dissected the Friend Zone and Nice Guy mentality by switching to the woman's perspective. My views since then have changed, yet it's important to understand both sides of the coin. This poem was also the first one that I would perform in front of a large crowd.

Oops

Oops, I did it again.

Fell in love with your deceitful smile

Your eyes that look like crystal ponds

Your laugh that tears through me like bombs

Your golden locks

Oops, I did it again

Said something I shouldn’t have said

Imagine my fingers caressing the side of your head

Imagine me with you in bed

A life without you would make me dead

Oops, I did it again

Tried to break out of the friend zone

But you’re bringing other friends home

What happened to I want to be alone?

Did I miss something in your tone?

Oops, I did it again

"Let’s just be friends" she said

Oh that’s fine it’s not like the past few months haven’t been a waste of my time

I’m not trying to be brash but damn girl you’re like a rash

You never go away

Oops, I did it again

I look awkwardly and say hey

Now I’m stuck here caught in the fray

I just can’t wait for the day

For when you say

Oops, I did it again

Another fool lead on by my deceitful smile

My eyes of crystal ponds

My chuckle that makes knees buckle

And my locks as infectious as chicken pox

Oops, I did it again?

How is it my fault?

That you’d do anything for me

That you’d point out your faults for me

That you’d love me past the point of no return

Only to crash and burn

Oops, you did it again

Get a hint next time

Will there be a next time for a girl this fine?

Please get in line I’m not the girl to pine--

Over.

It’s all over.

No more Oops, no more doing things over

This girl makes me want to pick clovers

To find the one with four leafs

But all I’m left with is grief

And no luck for me

Oops, I did it again

Thinking that all there is to life is love

By myself I can reach new limits, heaven and above

I never needed you, push comes to shove

But I still love

You with your deceitful smile

Eyes of crystal ponds

Laugh of devastating bombs

Locks of pure gold

I guess I’ll have to see what the future holds.

Self Discovery Through A Dialogue (2015)

I dabbled in poetry my freshman year of college and largely wrote about what was going on in my life. This is where I first rediscovered my love for word craft and public speaking.

This first piece, "Self Discovery" was an extra credit assignment. After reading it to others, people felt that this was one of my more personal poems. This poem can be described as a conversation between my inner thoughts and drugs.

Self Discovery

Who would think?

That the lines of Shakesperean drama would give me the drink

Of truth serum to make me hear them

Them being the advisers of old and the creators of new

What are you talking about dude?

Just take it easy with thoughts wrongfully construed

Listen to me to calm your mood

What's wrong dude?

You're the problem you lethargic pest

You restrict me from being my very best

Constantly testing my relationships with others

Life with you bothers me and leaves me with unrest

A pressure, ever-present, in my chest

What did I do?

All the pain was brought upon by you

My fingers don't purchase what you need

It's all in your control

To take from the bowl that gives you life

But now it gives you strife?

What gives?

What gives are the genuine friends in my life

The opportunities that present themselves slip away when I'm with you

My accolades, qualities, and achievements are cut down by scythe

Under the influence that sticks to me like glue

I wish to discontinue this partnership that was once so tight

I search for a light

Not exclusive to lighters and burning bowls

But a light that is manifested through my actions as a good Samaritan

And not one that creates fights and holes

But without me, you see

You become complacent with staying at one level

A moment with me and you aren't disheveled

You escape the problems that you face

Return to your happy place

Get a sip of water in this race of life

But don't you see?

Escaping responsibilities and exiting our reality doesn't bring clarity

Being with you is not an irregularity anymore and I become less of a charity

I give and expect nothing in return when away from you 

But you take and want more when I'm subdued

Taking advantage of my intrinsic values

I see how it is.

If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen

Loser.

I'm not the loser when you're as dull as a constant boozer

My absence in conversations and discussion let me cruise through the rapids of life

But I'm on a sinking raft

And I don't mean to sound daft

But enough is enough

I see... Can we still be friends?

I'll be with you til' the very end

There to make amends when the time is right

There to be the light in your moment of plight

There to let go

There to enjoy a show

There to--

Go! Leave me in my time of despair

Truth is you never cared 

How I'm doing

How I'm feeling

How you destroy me and rip apart my very core

Goodbye, my companion.

I may return but with lessons from before

So that you can't effect my subconscious anymore

You're noxious

I'm elated by your absence

It doesn't make sense 

But neither do you

I bid you, adieu